Have you ever had one of those moments where your spouse says something, and you just stop and think, “Do they have any idea what I actually do all day?” Maybe they ask, “Why are you so tired, you just sit at a desk?” Or they say, “Can’t you just leave work at work,” and you feel your frustration bubbling up.

If that sounds familiar, trust me, I get it. As a CPA, I know what it’s like to carry the mental weight of deadlines, clients, and the never-ending pressure to get everything right. And I also know what it’s like when my husband doesn’t fully understand what that feels like.

It’s not that he doesn’t care, but he doesn’t always see the hundreds of little decisions I make each day. My brain is constantly juggling numbers, responsibilities, and deadlines, which makes it almost impossible to shut it all off when the workday is over.

And honestly, how could he? He’s never had to sit through tax season, deal with a client who sends an emergency email at 9 p.m., or wake up in the middle of the night wondering if he forgot to double-check something.

But just because I know he does care about me, doesn’t mean it isn’t frustrating. There have been times when I’ve felt completely drained after a long day, and all I wanted was for him to just get it—to understand why I needed a little space before diving into dinner or house stuff.

Maybe you’ve felt that way too. Maybe you’ve wished your spouse understood why you come home exhausted, why your mind is still racing long after you log off, or why some days, you just don’t have the energy for small talk.

So what do you do when the person you love most doesn’t quite understand the mental load you carry? Do you keep trying to explain, or is there a better way to get the support you actually need? More importantly, how do you stop frustration from taking over and start making things easier on yourself?

That’s exactly what we’re going to talk about today, so let’s start with the frustration of feeling misunderstood.

The Frustration of Feeling Misunderstood

There’s nothing worse than coming home after a long, exhausting day, hoping for a little understanding, and instead feeling completely unheard. You try to explain why you’re drained, but your spouse just doesn’t seem to get it. 

Maybe they shrug it off, change the subject, or say something like, “It’s just work, don’t let it bother you so much.”

And that’s when the frustration kicks in. You’re not asking for them to solve anything—you just want them to understand. To see how much you’ve had to juggle all day, how much pressure you’re under, and why it’s not that easy to just turn it all off the moment you walk through the door.

But instead, you feel stuck in a cycle. You try to explain, they don’t quite get it, you get frustrated, and they get confused about why you’re upset.  You start wondering, “Why can’t they see how much I’m carrying? Why do I have to keep explaining this?”

Over time, this frustration builds until talking about work starts to feel like too much effort. Instead of explaining, you pull back, and resentment creeps in. You start thinking, “If they really cared, they’d try harder to understand.”

It’s exhausting, and the more it happens, the more it reinforces the belief that they’ll never get it. But here’s the thing—this isn’t just about them not understanding. It’s about how your brain is wired to seek connection and validation.

So what’s really going on beneath the surface? Why does this disconnect feel so personal? It all comes down to how your brain processes stress and relationships. Let’s break it down.

The Brain Science Behind Feeling Misunderstood

It’s hard when the person you love the most doesn’t really understand what you go through every day. You want to feel supported, but instead, you feel like you’re speaking a different language.

That’s because your brain is wired to want connection. When you talk about something stressful, you’re not just looking for words—you’re looking for someone to get it. You want to feel seen, heard, and understood.

But when that doesn’t happen, your brain flags it as a problem—kind of like sending a text and getting no reply. At first, you assume they just didn’t see it, but as time passes, the silence feels louder, and frustration builds.

The same thing happens in conversations with your spouse. You try to explain your stress, but they don’t seem to understand. And instead of feeling closer, you feel even more alone.

Your brain also has something called confirmation bias. That means once you believe something—like my spouse doesn’t understand me—your brain looks for proof that it’s true. Every time they make a comment that misses the mark, it feels like more proof that they don’t get it.

And then there’s mental overload. Accounting takes a lot of brainpower, and by the end of the day, your mind is exhausted. When you’re tired, little things—like a casual comment from your spouse—can feel way bigger than they actually are.

None of this means your frustration isn’t real. It just means your brain is reacting exactly how it was designed to. But instead of getting stuck in the frustration, what if there was a different way to look at it?

Let’s talk about what you can do when your spouse doesn’t get it—and how to make things feel easier.

What to Do When Your Spouse Just Doesn’t Get It

If you’ve ever thought, “I wish they would just understand what my job is really like,” you’re not alone. It would be nice if your spouse just magically got it without you having to explain. But the truth is, that probably won’t happen.

And that’s okay. They don’t have to fully understand your work to support you. The key is shifting your focus from I need them to get it to I need to be clear about what I need from them.

The goal isn’t to make them understand—it’s to make sure you get what you actually need. Instead of hoping they’ll suddenly start asking the right questions or saying the right things, focus on what would actually make your life easier. 

Do you need space? Do you need them to listen without trying to fix it? Do you just need a hug and a quiet moment before jumping into dinner and kids?

Most of the time, spouses aren’t trying to be dismissive; they just don’t know what would actually help. If you don’t tell them, they’ll keep guessing—and more often than not, they’ll guess wrong.

You can also make it easier for them to understand by explaining it in a way that makes sense to them. Instead of saying, “I had a really stressful day because of tax prep and client emails,” try something like “Imagine having to solve a huge puzzle with missing pieces while people are rushing you to finish—it feels like that.”

Another thing that helps is managing your own thoughts about it. If you keep thinking, “They should get it by now,” you’re just going to feel more frustrated. But if you shift to, “They don’t need to understand every detail to be supportive,” you’ll feel a little lighter.

At the end of the day, your spouse doesn’t have to know what debits and credits are to be there for you. They just need to know what actually helps you feel better after a long day.

So how does this actually work in real life? Let’s look at a real example of what happens when you make this shift.

Becoming a Smarter Accountant: Dealing With a Spouse That Just Doesn’t Get It

I was coaching a CPA who was completely drained by her job. Every night, she walked through the door feeling like she had nothing left to give. But before she could even sit down, her husband would casually ask, “Why are you so stressed? Just don’t think about work when you’re home.”

That one sentence made her blood boil. She felt like she was drowning in deadlines, emails, and endless demands all day long—only to come home and feel like none of it even mattered. Instead of support, she felt dismissed. Instead of being able to exhale, she was hit with another wave of frustration.

She tried to explain, but every conversation ended the same way. He didn’t get it, she got frustrated, and they both walked away annoyed. After a while, she gave up. 

She told me that she had stopped talking about work altogether, but the resentment kept growing. She caught herself thinking, “If he really cared, he would try harder to understand.”

But the truth was, he did care. He just had no idea how to help. So instead of waiting for him to magically “get it,” we focused on something different.

She started thinking about what she actually needed after a long day. Instead of hoping he would understand her stress, she told him exactly what would help—ten minutes alone when she got home, a hug instead of advice, and no questions about work unless she brought it up.

At first, it felt weird to ask for something so simple. But the moment she did, everything changed. 

Her husband wasn’t ignoring her stress—he just needed a clear way to support her. Once he knew what to do, he actually wanted to help.

And the best part was that she stopped feeling so drained at home. Instead of spending her evenings frustrated, she felt like she could finally breathe. 

This might not sound like a big deal, but it made a huge difference.  It was enough to make her nights feel lighter, easier, and way less exhausting.

So, if you’ve been feeling like your spouse just doesn’t get it, maybe it’s not about making them understand. Maybe it’s about getting clear on what actually makes your life easier—and making sure they know too.

Open and honest communication is the key to any relationship, but especially when you’re an accountant who feels like their spouse just doesn’t get it.  The truth is that non-accountants rarely get what it’s like to be us, but that doesn’t mean we can’t find ways to bridge the gap. Instead of waiting for them to fully understand, we can focus on what actually helps us feel supported.

That might mean being clear about what we need after a long day, whether it’s quiet time, a listening ear, or simply a little patience as we transition out of work mode. It might also mean letting go of the idea that they should get it and instead appreciating the ways they do show up for us.

At the end of the day, your spouse doesn’t have to know the ins and outs of accounting to be there for you. They just need to know what makes your life easier—and that starts with you telling them.

Okay, now let’s talk about the key takeaway from this episode and one key question I want you to ask yourself.

Key Takeaway and Action Item

Your spouse may never fully understand your job, and that’s okay. What matters more is telling them what you need instead of waiting for them to just get it.

For this week, ask yourself, “Am I spending more time feeling upset that they don’t understand, or asking for what I really need?”

Feeling frustrated takes a lot of energy, and it doesn’t fix anything. If you’ve been waiting for your spouse to finally understand, try something different. Think about what would actually help you after a long day, and let them know.

You might be surprised how much better things feel when you focus on what you need instead of what they don’t understand.

Believe me I get it – feeling misunderstood by your spouse can be really frustrating. You work hard all day, and the last thing you want is to come home and feel like no one sees how much you’re carrying.

But waiting for them to get it will only leave you feeling more drained. They don’t have to fully understand your job to be able to support you.

The good news is, you don’t have to waste energy being frustrated. You can take back control by getting clear on what actually helps you and letting them know.

Small shifts like this can make a big difference. Less frustration, more connection, and more time to enjoy the moments that matter.

And, if this is something you struggle with, coaching can help you get unstuck. Because when you learn how to manage your mind, everything else—including your relationships—feels easier.

Well, that’s what I have for you today. Thank you for joining me as I discussed when your spouse just doesn’t get it. 

If this is something you struggle with, you can schedule a free 30-minute call with me at  https://thesmarteraccountant.com/calendar/. 

And don’t forget to check back each week for more tips and strategies to help you go from being a stressed accountant to a Smarter Accountant.

Also, if you haven’t already, make sure to take The Smarter Accountant Quiz at www.thesmarteraccountant.com to see if you’ve been underutilizing your accountant brain. It’s a great starting point to see where you are and how you can improve.

Lastly, if you’ve found today’s episode helpful, I’d really appreciate it if you could spread the word to other accountants. The more we get this message out, the more we can change the narrative in the accounting profession and help accountants everywhere.

The truth is that you’re already smart, but this podcast will show you how to be smarter.